Back to Square One

    This week it was back to square one. Even Kristopher was acting up, and he never acts up. Michael started throwing fits again. I told him if he didn't shape up I'd send him to Ms. Isaiah's class. The only problem? He threw himself down on the floor and bawled and screamed and hit and kicked and refused to do anything else. I realized I couldn't send him to Ms. Isaiah like that, so I told him he could stay in the classroom if he behaved. My defeat was quite apparent.
    But Michael was just the tip of the ice burg. The whole class was like that. All week. Total warfare with every student. Mariah was as defiant as she'd ever been, Reuben was throwing tantrums, Horton was kicking and shouting "I hate you" and pushing and throwing furniture all over the room. If he could have thrown the half-moon table, I think he would have, but it was too heavy for him, thank the Lord. The class returned to a state of chaos. Kids running and screaming in the hall, climbing the stalls in the bathroom, crying over who knows what. I woke up at 4:00am every morning and worked until 8:00pm every night. I wanted to die.

    Father, I am more desperate for you than I've ever been in my life. Desperate. But the startling reality is that I've been desperate for you all along. I just didn't know it until now. Difficulty has revealed my desperation. While I pray for things to get better, I also fear the answer to such a prayer. My fear is that I will forget my desperation. My fear is that I will forget how much I need you every second of every minute of every day. Shall I pray for things to get better, then forget you the moment they do?
    Lord, I don't ever want to forget how much I need you. Apart from you I can do nothing. Let me never forget this. Let me know this deep down in my soul, whether things are difficult or things are easy. Imprint this onto the very surface of my heart. I want the steps of my feet to be your steps. I want the work of my hands to be your work. I want the words of my mouth to be your words. Apart from you I can do nothing. Let me never forget this.
written September 9th, 2012.